It's Not Just a Date

Today is May 29^th, 2012.

Today is probably, for most of you, just like any other day. It’s a work day for most of you, a school day for the rest. Or perhaps you are enjoying your maternity leave or your retirement life.

But today isn’t just any other day for Sean or for me.

Today was the due date of our baby. 

I know if the baby had made it to full term, she more than likely would not have been born on her due date but it’s the date she was due, nonetheless.

She? Did I just write she?

Yes.

We obviously didn’t know the gender of our baby as I miscarried too early to know.  When we miscarried, we had been given advice from a few friends that we should name the baby. But we didn’t know the gender. Then perhaps we could find a gender neutral name.  Maybe.

While we were in Canada, someone recommended that we read a book called, “Heaven Is For Real” by Todd Burpo. Todd’s son, Colton, is rushed to the hospital with a burst appendix. They didn’t think he was going to make it but he did. Quite awhile after the surgery and release from the hospital, Colton tells his father about his trip to Heaven, which of course, shocks his father.  He even tells his mom that he met his other sibling in Heaven. The one she had miscarried before having Colton; the one that Colton never knew about.  Colton had told his mom that the sibling had been a girl and she was waiting on a name from them.  Colton’s parents never knew the gender of their baby and so, they never named her.

Then one afternoon, Sean and I had a date. We went out for lunch and got to talking about our baby and I felt really strongly about giving the baby a name. We too didn’t know the gender but when I asked Sean what he thought our baby had been, he had said, “She was a girl. I just know it.” I had always felt in me that she had been a girl as well. So we really thought about a name, looked up meanings to names, etc.  We wanted it to be a special name.

So, we’d like to share with you, the name that we gave to our sweet baby girl....

Hannah Faith Stewart

Hannah – means “favoured by God” or “grace”

Faith – means “belief in God and acceptance of God’s will”

It fit perfectly.  

It gave us an amazing peace and we have been covered in God's grace. It is His will and we accept that for whatever reason He may have. 

It’s not to say that this last month hasn’t been difficult because it has. Knowing that I would be in the last part of pregnancy and yet, here I’m not, is hard. Knowing that there is no baby shower, no crib in the next bedroom, no tiny, sweet clothes in the closet and no hospital bag waiting by the door, is crushing at times. I have cried a lot of tears this past month but the tears, although valid and comforting, have also brought more healing. I have faith in my Father. Some days I can say that my faith feels only as small as a mustard seed but I don't doubt His faithfulness and love toward me. And that His will is beyond beautiful, even when I don't understand. 

I do wonder what Hannah would have looked like. Would she have had my dark and curly hair or would she have had a bit of red in her hair like Sean’s goatee? Would she have had Sean’s beautiful blue eyes or my brown eyes?  Either way, she would have been beautiful.

Someday we’ll meet her.  I wish it were today but I know that there is a someday.

Hannah, although we’ve never seen you, or never held you in our arms or kissed your cheeks, your Mommy and Daddy sure did want you and sure do love you. 

Until we see each other in Heaven, sweet Hannah.

So much love,

Mommy